He's 13 Today

13 years ago today I gave birth to my first child. He was a beautiful baby with fuzzy blonde hair, rosebud lips and the biggest blue eyes. He was a wonderful baby. I remember sitting there holding him in the hospital staring at him for hours trying so hard to implant his face into my memory forever. I close my eyes almost every day to see that image. The hardest thing in my life EVER was to let him go. Last night I stayed awake thinking about him, his life, his birth, the days I saw him at 2 months old, 6 months old, a year old, 2 years old and again at 4. So many years have passed. I get photos. We talk on the phone. But it's been a few years. He's not the little boy in the photo on my desk that I look at everyday. He's not the 10 year old on the phone telling me about all of the things he loves to do. He's a teenager. Thirteen years old. How did that happen? Where did all of those years go?

I'm going to call him today. I'm scared. I get queezy in my stomach, my eyes tear up. There's such a big difference in kids between ages 10 and 13. He was excited to talk to me then, he may hate me today. I don't know.

Husker understands but it's so hard to talk to him about everything. It's hard for him to imagine that I've had another child and with 'someone else' I'm sure. It's also hard for the kids to understand why he's not here if he's their brother. In time I know they'll want to know more. It's going to be so hard for them to understand why I did what I did.

They made him cards for his birthday. I can't wait for the day where they can be part of his life more. Just 5 more years and hopefully he'll want to be part of mine too. I can't believe he's a teenager already.